I've received some nice feedback from PM's about my last couple of post. I thank you.

One I found especially interesting and I guess you could say, inspirational. It reminded me that there is more than 1 fish in the sea and you don't have to be an expert fisherman or hunter if fishing is not your bag.

It sure sucks though, when that 1 certain fish, the only one that you want, DOESN'T want you in return.

I guess the only thing to do in that case is to move to another fishing spot.

I don't know a helluva lot and very few things in this life are certain. I do know how I feel and it's nothing new since I have felt this way for years.

The first time I told her that I loved her,her face turned red, she gave me a playful punch in the arm and said, "How sweet. I love you too."

I do know that my, I love you, meant I was in love. Her, I love you, meant, she loved me as a friend. Then she did one of the things she does best, tucked tail and ran in the other damn direction. I crawled off into a corner to sull and pout and erased her name off my list. Well, I tried to.

You can imagine my surprise when I discover through our inner circle and close knit grape vine that there is someone else.Our relationship, the physical part at least had been over for some time prior to this,but the friendship remained.

I can take you to the exact spot where I heard the news. A bunch of us were together one Saturday night shooting the bull and naturally her name came up."She is involved with someone. It sounds serious." A twinge of pain rushed over me and I think my exact words were, "Get the fuck out".

He insisted it was true. "She is either in love or insane" was the response. I choose to believe she was insane. Certain that it would pass.

I still valued her as a friend and as someone very important in my life. We never,ever discussed, "him" and I respected her feelings and pushed mine aside. That little bit of news cost me around 800 bucks. Fist through walls,breaking windows,etc.

I wonder now if things would have been different if I hadn't. I sat back and waited to see what would happen. The strange thing is not 1 damn thing has happened.

I sought comfort in the arms of women and the bottom of a bottle. I don't understand it. I swear, I just don't get it!

While picking up something for supper earlier, someone walked by me wearing her perfume.

I'm not crazy. Just in love. I'll bide my time. Because like I said last week, history has a strange way of repeating itself. And when it does, BigH, will be front and center.

Had a date tonight. Has to be the shortest one on record. The original plan was for dinner and a movie. She suggested we skip the movie and go back to her place. I told her I wasn't ready to move that fast and she looked at me like I had 1 eye in the middle of my head or something.

I finally agreed to drinks at her apartment, listen to some music and chat. That was all just a ploy to get me inside. Once the door closed she was all over me. Not that I am complaining. She just needed "some", and told me so.

Back in the day, I wouldn't have cared and would have been all over that like white on rice. People change and the very thought of mindless sex or a one night stand, left a bad taste in my mouth.

I asked for a rain check on the drink and she proceeded to try and unzip my jeans. When I refused, she called me every name in the book and a few I never even heard of. I tried to tell her that is wasn't her. She is a very attractive, sexy lady. I could tell she was hurt and embarrassed and I hate that.

By the time I got back to my truck, she was calling my cell, begging me to come back and just stay the night with her. I know about that kind of loneliness, and how long the nights can seem. Especially when you are left alone with only memories to keep you company.

It's not just the memories of her and me that bother me. It is also the thought of her with him that kills me. He takes her and her love for granted, something that I would never do. Yet, it's him that she wants. Not me. Go figure.

I compare each and every woman to her and they all come up short. I love the way she smiles, it makes me smile inside. Her laugh, especially when she gets really cracked up, the way she moves. She has that certain something, that I have yet to find in any other woman. Like tonight for instance, I found myself thinking of her through dinner while the other one talked about things I didn't give a rats ass about.

I love what a good mother and daughter she is, how unselfish she is, how kind and loving, compassionate. She has a way of making everyone around her feel special and loved. I want to do the same for her. I want to protect her from those intent on hurting and using her.

Looks like it will be another long night. At least I have memories to keep me company. Maybe that's good and maybe that's bad.

In The Cradle

I look down into her eyes,

Her arms around my neck,

Legs around my waist.

My hard chest pressing against her voluptuous breast.

Her kiss is like fire,

Her touch like satin,

Her warmth so inviting,

In the cradle of desire.

She moves underneath me,

I burn and melt,

So wet and tight

Passion rises higher

Candles flicker casting our shadow

Entertwined, as one on the wall

Rock me baby doll,

In your cradle of desire.

(12/15/1993)

3:30 AM UPDATE:

By the clock I see that it's almost (time). Was getting ready to hit the sack when I noticed, HER on line. We talked by IM for a while. I tried to keep things on a friendly basis, not get personal and keep my feelings and opinions to myself. As I read between the lines, the feeling kept getting stronger and stronger. Something is wrong. I know her too well. Something is very,very wrong. Does no good to ask the question because the response will always be that everything is fine. BULLSHIT! Of course there is every possibility that I am just tired, and a little drunk and am jumping to conclusions. If I could hear her voice, speak to her personally, I would know for sure. I can't help but be concerned. She used to come to me with her problems, the ones she wanted me to know about at least. I was her sounding board and confidant and now I can't get a straight answer about a damn thing! Like I said, don't know what is going on, but I am deeply concerned. All I know is that something ain't right. If you are a praying person, say one for her,or just send some good thoughts.

I am trying to let go.

I really am.

Really!!!

Something stops me from totally letting go. Inside I hold on to a tiny shred of hope that one day she will be mine. Stranger things have happened. I can't force her to love me or want to be with me. I know that.

History has a strange way of repeating itself. And when it does, BigH will be front and center!

Along those lines, enjoy this song by Richard Marx.

This is another feeble attempt at putting into words what I was feeling at the time.

I sat in the corner and watched her sleeping in my bed.
Looking like a little girl there all curled up
With her dark hair fanned out across the pillow.
Underneath the covers,womanly curves that I could picture so well in my mind.

She came to me, hurt and broken.
I only wanted to ease the pain and mend the broken heart,
Hoping, when it healed, she might be mine.

I watched her sleep for hours.
On stand by should tears begin to fall again.
Ready to wipe them away, or just hold her in my arms.

I watched her sleep, silently cursing the one who had reduced her to this.
He left her, but I would be here when she opened her eyes.
I would deal with the mess he left behind and get her through this.
I watched her sleep, not able to understand how anyone could throw away something so beautiful.

I wondered if she was dreaming of him, while I watched her sleep.

11/2002